As a parent I always question if I am doing a good job raising my kids. It is extremely hard to raise kids especially in a world where everyone is so exposed with social media. If you correct your child in public you may become exposed on social media, if you don’t correct your child in public people may scorn you on social media for your lack of parenting.
So what is right and what is wrong when it comes to parenting?
I ask this question daily. I debate with myself over what is the best way to parent my children.
I have a 6 year old and a 2 year old.
I believe in explaining to my children my choices and why of an action. I acknowledge their feelings for I know they are important to them. I listen to their fears, joys, accomplishments, etc. My kids know they can tell me anything because if I don’t like it I will respect them. They know that when they choose to do the wrong thing there will be consequences. They know that I value their trust and I give them credit for telling the truth even when they know that there will be consequences.
In my opinion they are really good kids but of course I am bias. We will only see our kids true character when we are away from them and they are interacting with others.
I have read several books on parenting, the latest one called “The Danish Way of Parenting” written by Jessica Joelle Alexander and Iben Dissing Sandahl. The Danish Way of Parenting- I really like the philosophy of the book. I can certainly agree that it is the closer book that I’ve found that matches my own parenting philosophy.
It is based on PARENT-Play, Authenticity, Reframing, Empathy, No Ultimatums, Togetherness.
Based on their philosophy but in my own words:
Here are some of my takeaways and examples of how my family practice these values.
I would recommend you reading this book for truly is a short, interesting/engaging read.
By writing this post I am not getting anything in return other than sharing my joy of reading.
If you have been a parent for a while and have practice some of these values you might be curious to the whole philosophy read it, you will enjoy, if you are just embarking on the parenthood journey and have a chance this is a great read for raising emotionally healthy little individuals.
P- Play- Allow your kids to play for through play they will learn important social skills.
A- Authenticity- Be honest with your kids and use praise to form a growth mindset. It is ok to fail it is not ok not to try.
R- Reframing- Be positive, look through someone else’s perspective and learn something positive.
E- Empathy- Children who understand feelings are happier.
N- No Ultimatums- Stop power struggles, foster trust. Explain and be a bit democratic.
T- Togetherness and Hygge (Coziness)- Strong family time.
Play- I believe that kids learn through play. As I read it reminded me of my own childhood. I played soccer growing up, I wasn’t on a team or anything I used to play with kids from the street. We used to play so many different games and everyone was welcome. It was a lot of fun there were kids that didn’t get along but we learned to play with each other without our parents intervening. I used to play with dolls and through playing I used to deal with serious issues that were important to me. I acted out several real scenarios and tried different solutions to a problem. I played library and store. I learned so many skills just by playing. I encourage play in my house, I not only encourage I teach my kids how to play through modeling. I just show them and I teach them HOW to play. I enrolled my child in sports a semester and even though it was a great team I felt that the kids were expected to perform in a certain way (he was 4) and he just wanted to play with his friends. It was a big commitment with our schedule. The kids were tired and messed up their routines and after a while the feeling was resentment. Now, we encourage our kids to go out and play daily but without the stress to perform a certain way. Am I setting him up for failure? I don’t know, but I feel this is the best for our family at the moment and that is totally ok.
Authenticity- It is hard to explain to kids when they fail, however, I don’t believe that every child deserves a trophy for participating. My goal is to teach discipline through hard work and dedication and my motto is what you learn no one can ever take it away from you.
This is important for me because in the end the desire to learn, to succeed should be embedded from the within. Kids should fail especially at a young age because they will learn how to overcome failures instead of failing when they are older and not being able to cope. It is ok to fail, it is not ok not to try.
Reframing- Looking at the positive is always important. I am a very optimist person. Even today I went for a walk and it was a cloudy/foggy morning and a passer by said “Good morning how are you?”, I replied “It is a great morning, I am doing great, thanks for asking and yourself?” She looked at me surprised and said “I am glad you are doing great it is very hard to hear that”.
I told her we wake up in the morning with a choice. We either have a great day and we make it great or we have a bad day. The choice is ours and our day will be what we make of it!
I will choose to be happy, I will choose to see the positive, I will choose to see the best in every situation.
Let’s be realistic not everything is pretty and beautiful, but truth is “embrace the suck and make something sweet”.
Our kids will observe how we act and how we interact with our world it is our job to teach them to look for the beauty in it!
Empathy- Acknowledging our feelings is extremely important understanding that others also have feelings is teaching humanity. In a world where it is all about “me” showing our kids that we have feeling and others do as well is extremely important. We are raising human beings and how they act in the future is a direct correlation of what they saw/lived. I am not saying they won’t make their own paths. Yes, kids will grow up to do whatever they want but if those values are embedded in them most likely they will come out when they need them to. Let your kid knows you have feelings, if you are upset let them know and let them observe how you calm down.
If you are sad and crying let your kids see your weaknesses. It may not be pretty but usually they will make sense of emotions and learn how to deal with them.
My son was upset one day because someone did something that hurt his feelings, he started acting out and as a mom I wanted to correct him to stop.
Instead, I called him to the side and said “I understand that this person hurt your feelings”, this was the last straw for him he embraced me and cried and told me that he was really upset by this person’s actions. After he calmed down we talked about what he thought the person should have done instead. We then took time to understand that the action was done without malicious intentions so we decided to forgive the person and the action. It was an emotional process for my kid but he worked through the process and I believe he became a better person for it.
No Ultimatums- We are all guilty at some point of hitting or yelling at our kids. Sometimes the frustration levels on both ends becomes too much. However, there is a better way. Talking to kids, explaining cause and effect really help kids become thinkers. We have to be firm with our kids but if we are consistent they will learn.
Togetherness- Have fun together. In our family I believe in the power of reading and books. Therefore it is our tradition that after dinner and bath time, it is reading time. We cuddle in bed and we read together. Sometimes we read for 30 minutes, sometimes for 2 hours. The time we spend together is valued. Since our kids were babies we’ve read to them and now that they are older they cherish the time. They have a sense of peace by being together and creating memories together.
If you have time pick up the book to read and share with me your thoughts!
Also check out their website http://thedanishway.com
With love,
Raquel
