Stay at home vs. working moms.

Dear friends,
I debated publishing this piece because it is so personal. After reviewing and talking to so many amazing moms I realized so many moms struggle with this very important topic.
Therefore, I decided that it was important for me to share it.
This was part of my parenting journey. I would love to hear how you coped making your own choices to either work or not!

Is it selfish to want a career after kids?

This subject has been debatable for many decades. I do not like to debate who is right or who is wrong. I have done both and today after a lot of reflection I feel I am finally ready to share my views on this subject. As always these thoughts are my own and you are free to agree or disagree. This is truly has been on my heart and mind lately.

I have worked/ volunteered from a very young age so I am not afraid of hard work. I cherish it. In 2009 I became pregnant for the first time. At the time I worked at a school as a teacher’s aid.
I was on vacation when I found out I was pregnant. When school re-started in the fall we were getting ready to move overseas due to a recent transfer for my husband’s job. During my pregnancy I worked on months 4-6 only.

After we got settled in our new place, I decided not to work since the baby was going to arrive soon. Before the baby arrived I was not really in the mood to make new friends as I wanted to get settled, I was totally nesting and my energy was on growing the baby.

After our bundle of joy arrived we fell on a routine and I realized I wanted to go back to work. Since I wanted to become a teacher I enrolled in school when the baby was 3 months old. I took online classes and I was a stay at home mom doubling on classes pursuing my dreams. I felt I fulfilled as I was at using the at home time to grow with my baby.

I completed a master’s degree in 18 months while at home. My baby was 15 months when I had to place him in daycare so I could complete the student teaching part of the program.

As a mom it was extremely hard to leave my little one in someone else’s care while I worked full time (and didn’t get paid). I finished my program and realized that at the end of the day I was ready to see my baby and to take care of him. This was an extremely hard and fulfilling time as well. It was hard to leave my little one, but I really enjoyed working. So I made a decision to find a job at the school. I was lucky that right after I was done with my student teaching I got a job teaching. I finished the school year as an educator. My first year in the classroom was complete and it felt so good to be a professional in my area. It felt really good to be a teacher. I was there to inspire the little ones, I was able to share my love of learning with the little ones and it felt really good.

During this time my son who happened to have strong seasonal allergies got sick. He had a fever and I had to miss work for 3 days. During that time I felt really guilty. How could I leave my class? How could I leave my kid? No matter what I did I felt it was not the best choice. I felt guilty for loving to work, I felt guilty for not being at home.

This first experience was full of emotions. In one hand the love of teaching, on the other the love for my child. My husband loved on me during this time reassuring me that no matter what he would love and support my decision. I decided to finish the school year. My son’s allergy got better once the pollen settled and my heart felt peace again.
At the end of the school year it was time for another move and we were heading to the midwest. I had worked for the district before as a teacher’s aid and I hoped to get a job. Once we arrived school had already started and I wasn’t lucky to get a job right away. I stayed at home until after new year’s when I started working again.

I loved being in the classroom, I dreaded leaving my kid. Another school year came and left. When the next school year started I found out I was pregnant again. I worked until the day before I delivered. In fact I was having those first contractions at work when I started timing them and realized that I needed a sub for the day. Working full time, being a mom, and pregnant was exhausting but I was happy because I was doing what I loved.

I delivered 3 weeks before summer break and my maternity leave lasted until the beginning of the next school year. By then my little baby was almost 4 months.
Now I was going back to work leaving behind 2 little ones. Yes, I felt extremely guilty for leaving them, yet, I felt extremely happy for being able to do what I loved- teaching.

I am sure I am not the only one who have fought with the feelings of selfishness.
I am well aware of studies that says that kids benefits from stay at home parents and all of that. Yet, I felt I was a better parent because I worked. I did something that fulfilled me and when I went home I didn’t stay on the phone or on the computer. I was home with my kids. I played with them. I read with them. I did crafts with them. I was an ever present parent.

The benefits of being an educator was that when my kids were home on holidays/ vacations/ weekends. As a teacher I gave 150% at school and as a mom I gave my kids 150% at home.

I never felt that my kids at home received less or that my students received any less of my best. I gave my best. I felt my best because I was pouring out the best of me. I had a career I loved, I had my kids I adored.

Fast forward to 2016 when my son is 6 and my daughter is 2. My son is now in first grade and my daughter is at home with me. I am not working again.

Due to another overseas move in the middle of the school year I have updated my application to teach but have not had the opportunity to interview yet. On one side I am sad not to be working, on the other I am happy to have this opportunity with my daughter.
Everyday is a struggle between what I want and what she needs. I am learning though that it is ok to be a stay at home mom. I started classes towards my doctorate degree in education. I built my blog as a business and I am slowly building something that is mine.
As a family we do not live above our means which financially living on one income has been the norm whether I work or stay at home. Financially, we are ok.

So let me give you some pros and cons about each.

Stay at home pros:

I don’t have to call in sick when my kids are sick.
My kids are not sick often since they are at home. (In daycare they get colds often since they are building their immune systems and they are around a lot of kids and my little girl sucks on her fingers- so many germs! yikes)
I get to be home with my kids.
I get to prepare all meals at home.

Stay at home cons:

No matter how much I clean, it nevers looks clean.
Sometimes I feel my kids shut me down since I am on their case 24/7.
I don’t get a quiet lunch break.
If my kids don’t nap they are cranky, and if they nap they go to bed so late that I am cranky and tired.
My kids only interact with other kids when I go outside with them to the playground or set up playdates which I have to do it more often since they need the interaction.

Working moms pros:

Extra income
Time to unwind at work from housework
Adult interaction
Feeling of fulfilment and purpose
Set a goal/crush it because of timelines and no distractions.

Working moms cons:

Little time for self in between work and home duties
Always feeling a sense of needing more, more, more (more sleep, more time to relax)
By the time you give work and home 100% that’s it
No time for continue education, no time for extra hobbies

So I am learning to be content in each season of my life. Whether I stay at home, whether I work. Either way I am working towards improving something. When at home I focus on growing my blog, on improving my education, enjoying the extra time with my little ones.
When I work I focus on balancing home and work at home, making sure that I am always on my top game, I focus on maximizing my saving account for raining days, giving my best to my students, and enjoying my little ones.

SO SHOULD YOU RESUME A CAREER AFTER KIDS?

There is no right or wrong answer. Whichever you choose remember it is a choice that YOU made.
For the stay at home mom, YOU ROCK, you manage to be sane even though you are 24/7 always doing something with a little one next to you! You are brave for venturing out to the supermarket on a raining day. For the stay at home mom don’t feel less than you are because you chose to stay at home. You are working hard, you never have a break, and you are always finding a way to be thrifty. You ROCK!

To the working mom even though you get to have an uninterrupted bathroom break at work you cry thinking of the moments you are missing. Remember YOU ROCK, you are also pursuing something you love and you teach your children resilience. You are brave in many ways. You go to work sick just because you don’t want to waste your sick days on yourself just in case your little ones get sick! Remember don’t let others put you down because you chose to work. You ROCK!

To all the moms out there, let us not judge one another. We need a tribe of women to help raise our kids. Each one of us have unique strengths we bring to the table and even though our choices may be different we may think the grass is greener on the other side.

Stay strong mamas and remember WE ROCK!

How can we help each other?

Encourage one another
Invite each other over for coffee or dinner
Talk and build each other up
As a stay at home mom I live vicariously through other mamas tales and as a working mama I lived vicariously through my friends in the end; talk to each other. The good, the bad, the ugly.
I can not emphasize encouragement enough.